poderosa

sadness

today i am sad. there is no other way to put it. my heart hurts, my head hurts, my eyes are sore from crying. i am sad because of a lot of the stuff going on here. i am sad because things are taking so long to get resolved. i am sad because i know that all of it will not have a happy ending. i am sad because we are not a perfect orphanage. i am sad because there are no perfect parents. there are no perfect children. everything is flawed and so much in this world is broken. so much cannot be fixed. and who doesn’t want to fix something that’s broken? there are days when i am filled with so much hope and peace in the midst of chaos. and then there are days like today when i just feel the weight of the sadness, and i can’t help but let it overtake me. but i’ve been told before that God made me sensitive and emotional for a reason. i think that if i didn’t feel, then i would miss out on so much of life. and i don’t think that we can only feel the happy moments, and the funny moments, and the moments filled with good music and good food and good people. i think we need to feel in the sad moments and the angry moments, we need to feel in the moments when injustices take place and in the moments when we can’t do anything about it. 

and i also think that one of the worsts things that we can do in those moments is to try to find someone to blame. i’m not saying that it’s never anyone’s fault. what i am saying is that blaming others for the brokenness in this world does nothing to help bring about joy and healing. in this place, i often want to blame the bad parents that these kids come from. i want to blame our problems on their negligence, on their abuse, their addictions, and shortcomings. but my anger towards those parents does nothing to help me love their abandoned children more. it doesn’t help me figure out ways to encourage and support these kids. all it does is make me angry. and sad. and i witness and take part in the blame game all the time and i see how it tears apart unity and increases animosity. we hear those slogans about love and peace, and many people think they’re silly or juvenile. and others think they’re great ideas, but then do nothing to encourage love and peace in this world. but i am becoming more and more aware of how difficult it is for anything to function properly without love and peace. and i am also becoming aware of the fact that increasing love and peace is not easy and doesn’t happen with signs or songs or videos. it happens when people lay down their pride, it happens when people are honest even when being honest is uncomfortable. love and peace come from sacrifice and showing respect even if you are being disrespected. the presence of love and peace does not mean that problems will disappear and people will never disagree, it just means that they will be handled differently.

so i don’t want to blame anyone or any one situation for my sadness. i will just accept what my heart and mind feel at the moment and believe that this is just another part of my growth here. i read a book a while ago that really changed the way i thought about a lot of things. this excerpt from the book has stayed with me ever since i first read it:

“Spiritual transformation often happens in the moments of life that stun us. When we experience, watch, or hear of something disturbing, it creates this cognitive conflict that can change the way we think and live. You may already know how diamonds are formed. Carbon, which is just black dirt, is compressed by millions of pounds of pressure by the earth’s weight. This extreme pressure and heat from the earth’s core transform the carbon into something pure and beautiful. The greater the heat and pressure, the more pure (or clear) the diamond forms. In much the same way, I’m convinced we are transformed through moments of spiritual conflict. Under the pressure of going globally and giving our lives away; we open ourselves to the possibility of God crafting something beautiful in our souls. He uses the pressure of the experience and the heat of the moment-sometimes literally-to transform us spiritually and make our lives a bit more beautiful. We have two options. We can choose to stay and ignore. Or we can choose to go and see and be disturbed. One choice leads to a kind of death; the other leads to life and change and hope.”

 -True Religion by Palmer Chinchen

i was talking to my brother last night and was reminding him of the great quote by C.S. Lewis: “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world”. as i think about what the future here holds for me, i know a lot of pain and sadness will be involved. but at this point i can’t imagine living a life without the two, what a shallow life that would be.

rejoice

a somewhat vague post because there is no way i could possibly put into words the details of what has been happening here since i last posted.

 I cried out to God for help; 
   I cried out to God to hear me. 
² When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; 
   at night I stretched out untiring hands, 
   and I would not be comforted.

 ³ I remembered you, God, and I groaned; 
   I meditated, and my spirit grew faint. 
⁴ You kept my eyes from closing; 
   I was too troubled to speak. 
⁵ I thought about the former days, 
   the years of long ago; 
⁶ I remembered my songs in the night. 
   My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

 ⁷ “Will the Lord reject forever? 
   Will he never show his favor again? 
⁸ Has his unfailing love vanished forever? 
   Has his promise failed for all time? 
⁹ Has God forgotten to be merciful? 
   Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

 ¹⁰ Then I thought, “To this I will appeal: 
   the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand. 
¹¹ I will remember the deeds of the LORD; 
   yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. 
¹² I will consider all your works 
   and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

 ¹³ Your ways, God, are holy. 
   What god is as great as our God? 
¹⁴ You are the God who performs miracles; 
   you display your power among the peoples. 
¹⁵ With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, 
   the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

 ¹⁶ The waters saw you, God, 
   the waters saw you and writhed; 
   the very depths were convulsed. 
¹⁷ The clouds poured down water, 
   the heavens resounded with thunder; 
   your arrows flashed back and forth. 
¹⁸ Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, 
   your lightning lit up the world; 
   the earth trembled and quaked. 
¹⁹ Your path led through the sea, 
   your way through the mighty waters, 
   though your footprints were not seen.

 ²⁰ You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron. 

AMEN!

“We are most alive when we are loving and actively giving of ourselves because we were made to do these things. It is when we live like this that the Spirit of God moves and acts in and through us in ways that on our own we are not capable of. This is our purpose for living. This is our hope.”

Francis Chan, Forgotten God

when i realized i had a power working in me greater than i could even imagine, i started rethinking what i was to do with my life. not too long after that, i heard about Hogar de Esperanza. that was almost 20 months ago. i can’t believe it’s been that long. a few months later i applied. i arrived here on august 1, 2011 with the intention of staying for one year, even though i’d always say “I signed up for a year, but i’m leaving my future up to God.” it’s so easy for us to honor Him with our lips while at the same times our hearts are so far…but after enough time, i started to think that if i really wanted to leave my future open to His will then that would require me seeking Him on it … opening myself up to His thoughts and ways that are higher than mine. and so i did. and quite quickly it became clear to me that one year here wasn’t going to be enough.

knowing that there is a power working through me that comes from the All Powerful is what gave me the confidence to move to Peru, but the truth is i often still feel powerless here. there is so much that i cannot do. so much that i will never be able to do. i can’t fix flattened heads or replace rotted teeth. i can’t get a certain little boy to stop eating his boogers. i can’t truly express in words how much i want these children to believe that they are worthy, loved unconditionally, and created for a purpose. i can’t even get baby Jessica to eat her lunch. i will never have the ability to change the hearts and minds of judges in Peru. i will never have the ability to change the Peruvian laws that make adoption so difficult. i will never have the ability to ensure that all of these children get adopted into a loving home. there really isn’t anything that i feel particularly skilled at and i know that at the end of the day, this place doesn’t need me. but even so, i am here, and i am put to use. i serve in ways that are easy, like cleaning. and i serve in ways that are very challenging, like my tutoria. i serve in ways that make me feel joyful, and frustrated, and desperate, and blessed. so even though there’s a lot i can’t do, there are some things that i can do that help. and He said that whatever i did for the least of His people, i did for Him. He said that we would not lose our reward if we would be willing to give a cup of cold water to a thirsty child. and if i commit my ways to Him i can trust that He will make my righteoussness shine like the dawn and the justice of my cause like the noonday sun. if i listen to Him my soul will delight in the richest of fare.

i want you to know that i love these children, i love the people that i work with, and i’ve grown to appreciate the simplicity of how i live my life here…but the real reason, the reason i feel compelled to spend more time here, is because i believe wholeheartedly in what this place is trying to do, even though sometimes all we see and hear about are adoptions falling through, lack of money, lack of workers, lack of decision-making. despite all that, i believe that this is a place that provides hope and love. i believe that our children are better off here than where they were before arriving at our home. i believe that God is working here. and i want to continue to be a part of the work that is being done here.

several verses and books brought me comfort while i was making this decision. ones that i feel confirm this decision, even command this decision. but of all places, i found what spoke to me most was a verse in the Old Testament, Ecclesiastes 11:1

“Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again.”

so another year will go by where i won’t be pursuing grad school, i won’t be settling into a career or even entering the work force, i’ll be no where near marriage and kids, i’ll continue to miss out on holidays, birthdays, & weddings, and my paycheck will continue to be non-existent…but that’s ok. i want to trust God with all that i am. i want to try to make every phase of my life reflect who Jesus is. i want to cast my bread upon the waters and right now, for me, i think that means spending more time here. 

the tentative plan as of now: leave HdeE early july and do some traveling, return to LA august 3rd. stay for about a month and spend time with people that i love. return to HdeE in september for another year, most likely as the Volunteer Coordinator. and depending on if i can raise enough support, i do hope to make a trip home during Christmastime. 

i know this was a long post and i probably said more than i needed to, so if you read this far, thank you. please keep me in your prayers as i continue to let this new plan sink in, as i figure out how to raise support, and for my time here right now.

lovelovelove

p.s. alejandro says hola

changes

so we had our weekly volunteer meeting tonight and some things came up that are really upsetting. things i had already known about, but being reminded of them again brings fresh emotions. i guess change has also been on my mind, and how quick the turnover is here. Hogar de Esperanza relies on volunteers who come and go and the house madres are on contracts that eventually end, but i feel like right now more than ever there is so much change happening. here are few of the changes

• two of our house madres will be leaving soon, we have yet to get replacements confirmed although we do have prospects who we are really, really hoping and praying will get accepted

• our social worker, Eliana, is leaving and we had a replacement but she was here for a week or two and decided she would not be taking the job…fortunately Eliana has agreeded to stay on a few more months, but we really do need to find someone who can fill her spot

• the kids will not be returning to the school they attended last year, they will instead be attending the local public school…and this will be a pretty big transition for them

• since around Christmastime we’ve had 6 kids go back to their families, we have one little girl getting adopted to the states and she should be gone by march (hopefully) and we had one girl run away…all great things except for the last girl running away…but still a change to get used to for the kids who had to say good bye to friends, and even worse for the 2 sisters and 2 brothers of the girl that ran away

• we are in our fourth week of summer programs and it’s going pretty well…but it has definitely had it’s problems, one of the biggest being certain kids not wanting to participate in classes and having really bad attitudes. discipline for this is tricky seeing as there isn’t much to take away from these kids.

so as you can see, that’s a lot. and that’s only the stuff that i am told. there could be way more happening that doesn’t get shared with the volunteers. not all that i mentioned is bad, but it’s the stuff that’s up in the air that concerns me.

but the most concerning point at our meeting, in my opinion, was the status of three of our kids, siblings. a while back they were so, so, SO close to being adopted…literally one day away from it being finalized. and then their mom showed up, and the whole adoption got dropped. this wouldn’t be so bad if their mother was someone who could and would care for them, but she isn’t. she is a selfish, stupid, uncaring, life-ruining, unfit mother (Father forgive me for these thoughts, i know i need more compassion, more grace, more love, but in this moment these are my honest thoughts). so instead of going into a loving family, the siblings stayed here. and sometime later, their mother began to tell them that they actually were going to go home with her. and this was actually true for a while. until she failed her home study. for the second time. and now, they are no longer up for adoption. ever. we would like to petition this, but that is a process that will take more time and energy than our staff has right now. so for now, we have three beautiful, intelligent, talented, fun, sometimes naughty children who have gotten their hopes crushed more than once. pray for their little souls, that they could some how be comforted, especially the oldest brother. pray that they would know that their lives are worthy, that they were created for a purpose. that when the world sucks and nothing goes right, there is still a plan for their lives. a plan that will allow them to prosper. a plan that involves their true Father. pray that their hearts would not become hardened, that they would not become bitter, that they would still believe in Love.

in times like this it is quite easy to focus on all the terrible things, on all the messed up things. but i need to remember to give praise for the good things, even if my heart isn’t in it right now, i must remind myself that there is still good.

thank you Lord that Eliana agreed to stay longer, even though to do this she must live apart from her husband. thank you that we found a part time psychologist who loves You and wants to love these kids. thank you for new volunteers who bring fresh energy, talent, and love for our kids. thank you for the fact that sending our kids to the local public school will be saving us some money instead of costing us more. thank you Lord for our dedicated staff of Peruvian workers who work hard and long for little pay. thank you Father that we have food at every meal. thank you because sometimes all a kid wants is a hug and to sit in our laps, and that is at least one thing that we can give them.

sabanas nuevas!

muchas, muchas gracias to everyone who contributed to our sheet fundraiser! we ended up raising $1,130, which is $371 more than we needed! this is amazing and we are all so grateful because now that means that the extra money can go to something else for these kids. at the moment, we are considering donating it to one of our girls who has been reunited with her grandparents. while staying with us she was attending a private school which was being paid for by someone in the states. the school has offered a %50 scholarship and we are hoping to be able to cover some of the remainder of her tuition for the upcoming school year with the extra money. if this doesn’t work out then the money will most likely go to a fun paseo for the kids. we are thrilled to have been able to provide some colorful fun to the kid’s room and couldn’t have done it without your generosity! so thank you again and take a look at the pictures below of some of our niños with their new sheets!

Juan with his Spiderman sheets

Marjorie with hearts and flowers

we made up the beds in the little girl’s house so that they would be surprised when they got home from church

Oriana taking her first nap on her new Hello Kitty sheets :)

new life

i’ve almost reached my half-way point. coming up on 6 months of living here in Peru. almost 6 months of frustrating downs and life-giving ups and anxious lulls. i’m at a point where i don’t really want to go home. that’s not to say i don’t miss it, i just like what i have here and don’t want to have to start something new. it’s weird when i think about going home and how i always think of it as starting my “new life”. but what does that even mean? does new life equate to getting a job, driving a car, having a cell phone again? does it mean that when i get home i’ll be a better person, more aware of my thoughts and actions, stronger in my faith? i sometimes think that i will be going home with this new attitude and a new view point on life and that this will create some amazing “new life” for me, but the truth is i experience a re-newing of my life all the time…monthly, daily, and sometimes even hourly. it’s not like it will all of a sudden start as soon as i walk out of the orphanage gates for the last time, or as soon as the plane lands at LAX, or DEN, or any of the other airports i will be traveling through on my journey home. and this “renewing” doesn’t always result in some beautiful act of kindness or service on my behalf. usually, it results in me being humbled and reminded that no matter what, there is always room for more grace, more mercy, more love.

i guess what i’m very poorly trying to explain is how this idea of a “new life” has already begun. it might look different when i get home, and i hope that even then it will never stop evolving. i hope i never, ever think i’m “finished”. if i really had to pick a time when it started i think it was when i made the decision to move to Peru. when i let go of my plans and ideas. when i decided to trust that God would work through my inadequacies and fears. when i stopped worrying so much about my parents. when i decided to listen to Him and not the people who said i wasn’t ready, or that it was too dangerous, or that it wasn’t a good decision for my future. the months leading up to Peru were probably just as important and life-changing as the time i am spending here. 

i don’t feel like this post really makes sense. my thoughts are jumbled and i don’t know if i really explained myself clearly but that’s ok. like i’ve said before, this blog is my attempt to allow others to experience what i am experiencing here. if you’re confused after reading this then that’s ok because i’m confused too. and if it makes sense then that’s cool too because sometimes life actually makes sense here. sometimes.

right now i am experiencing many life-giving moments because we have a lot of short-term volunteers here and i LOVE what they bring to the orphanage. their energy, excitement, and love for the children is so encouraging. to know that some of them have been getting together monthly to pray for all of us by name…wow. to see them teach the kids with so much patience and spend quality time with them…i don’t want that energy to die out. but sooner or later they will go home and us long-termers will still be here. my hope is that the energy would last. that we would go into summer programs with the right mindset. it will be a crazy two months and prayers for positive attitudes and mental strength would be appreciated. 

=]

losing and gaining

i read a lot here. not just because i love to read, but sometimes because there is absolutely nothing else to do. recently i read The Savage, My Kinsman, a short book by a missionary who went into the jungles in Ecuador to learn about and work with what was known as one of the most savage tribes in the world. although my time here at Hogar de Esperanza in no way resembles her time with that tribe, there was still a lot to be learned from her experiences. at the end of the book she says:        ” ‘The Son of Man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister.’ We must get this straight. We have come, not to be benefactors, but to be servants. ‘Slaves’ is the word Jesus often used. Our perception of this truth will make an incalculable difference in our attitude toward the people, which in turn cannot help but affect their attitude towards us. To be a benefactor is to be a superior…To be a servant is to be an inferior, and unless we are willing to accept this position we are not followers of Jesus Christ. The servant is not greater than his lord. We owe it to Christ, we owe it to men, savage or civilized, to lay down our lives daily.”       it sounds harsh but i agree with her. and i agree with Jesus when He said “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?”  i understand this, i believe this, but sometimes i do not like this. i came here not only with the intentions of serving the people at this orphanage, but also wanting to be stripped of the materialism and selfishness that is so inherent in me and most Americans. yet when God gives me the opportunity to do without certain things, i complain, i get annoyed, i get moody and cranky. didn’t i ask for this? isn’t God just answering my prayers? it’s funny how easy it is for us to say we are grateful with our words but to be so ungrateful in our hearts and attitudes.

in my short 4 months here i have missed home at times, but it never hit me as hard as it did on Thanksgiving. all i could think about was what i was missing out on back home; the people, the food, that wonderful feeling of being up early at my parent’s house while they cook and fight and laugh and listen to The Beatles. i missed home more than i ever had in my entire life and i let it affect me in a negative way. i moped around and was even becoming jealous of the volunteers who either went home for Thanksgiving or will be going home soon for Christmas. i failed to recognize and appreciate the fact that i did not come here to be served by Carmen, Milagros, Sam, Oscar, Alex, Pablo, the other volunteers, the beautiful children… yet they serve me in amazing ways on a daily basis here. i am given love, food, shelter, water, safety. i am blessed with everything that i “need” and then some.

so i am here, losing and gaining, losing and gaining…putting my trust in a higher power that speaks truth to me in so many ways. As Christmas approaches my attitude has been that my longing for home will only get worse. if i can just make it through the holidays i will be good. but i don’t want that attitude; if i am going to ask my Lord to help me lay down my life then i want to do so with joy. i must. not only on the warm, sunny days when the kids are being nice and we have running water and good food for lunch. i want to rejoice even when it’s windy, and the coal dust is an inch thick, and Junior is refusing to do his work and lunch is cow intestine soup. i hope and pray and ask for your encouragement that, as my time here continues, i would rejoice in ALL that i am blessed with instead of getting lost in all that i have left behind. 

a few things i have gained:

if you can’t feed 100 people, then feed just one.

Mother Teresa said that. It’s such a simple thought, but I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind since I read it…

I have been here at Hogar de Esperanza for about 3 and a half months now. The holidays have been on my mind since Thanksgiving is coming up and after that Christmas. I know it’s going to be very different here; not having my family and friends, parent’s cooking, and a warm house filled with all of the aforementioned. However, I am still excited for celebrating Christmas here as it will be a time of cheer for the kids as it’s one of the only times a year that they receive gifts. I know that Christmas is really not about the presents. I don’t remember how long ago I realized this, but even when I did, I never stopped getting gifts. I can’t deny how great it feels to give and receive gifts. It’s a wonderful way to show love. The kids here will be getting gifts from all the donations that we store up over the months. Each one gets a couple gifts, maybe a stuffed animal, a toy car or doll, and then notebooks or clothes for the older kids. However, most of this stuff is used. Sometimes we get church groups that come during this time and bring gifts for the kids but I couldn’t help but think about what more I could do for them.

I spend a lot of time doing laundry for the little boys house and to be honest, in my opinion, their bed sheets are gross. They are old, smelly and threadbare, faded in color without any fun patterns. I thought back to when I was little and remembered how much I loved my Sesame Street sheets and the ones with dinosaurs all over them. Sheets may not seem like one of those “cool” or “fun” gifts, but I do believe it is something that will bring some joy to these kids lives, as well as a good night’s sleep. I spent some time looking for where I could find the best deal on sheets and came up with Wal-mart. I have already purchased 38 sets of sheets and they are being sent to a volunteer’s home in the States.  They will be going home for Christmas and will bring the sheets with them upon their return to Peru so unfortunately the kids won’t receive them until the first week of January, but gifts feel good after Christmas too! Each set of sheets comes with a fitted sheet, a flat sheet and pillowcase. Some will be Spiderman or outer space themed for the little boys, other will be covered in flowers or princesses for the little girls. Most of the older kids will be getting colorful plaid or striped sheets. I prayed about this idea knowing that it would cost more than I or the other volunteers could afford, but we trust wholeheartedly that those who are supporting us back home would also be interested in supporting this cause as well. $20 would cover a sheet set for one child but we would love and appreciate donations of any amount.* I thank you in advance to those of you who will be a part of this.

I can’t fix the big things in the lives of these kids. In all honesty, I can’t even really fix the little things. But I thought “Hey, maybe we can raise enough money to buy them all new sheets.” So that’s what we’re going to do. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. Philippians 4:13

*the best way to make a donation would be to write out a check to: Stephanie Garcia and then send it to my parent’s house: 10040 Sunland Way Sunland, CA 91040. Please contact me if you have any questions: ms.stephaniegarcia@gmail.com

ejercicios con los niños

i know i just updated you all a couple days ago, but i felt this story was imperative to share.

so i decided to start exercising a little over a month ago. it gives me more energy throughout the day and to be honest, in my first two months here i felt like i had gained more weight than my whole four years in college. the perimeter of the inside walls of the orphanage is about 1/5 of a mile, rocks and construction debris everywhere as well as several areas of soft sand. not the most enjoyable running but it’s still better than running on a treadmill in my opinion. then after my laps i do some simple exercises on the grass field. i usually do all of this while the kids are still in school during the week.

however, on the weekends they are outside playing most of the day. at the start of my run today i saw that i would have to run passed Edwin, who was playing with the water spout that he knows he’s not supposed to play with. so as i came running towards that area he ran to hug me to make it seem like he wasn’t playing with the spout. i made the mistake of pausing to hug him back. after that he wanted a hug every time i ran past him, and Edwin doesn’t like to let go when you give him hugs. on top of this obstacle i had some of the boys trying to get me to hurdle over a ladder at one section of my small lap, i had to avoid Samir who was running around trying to capture an injured bird over by the playground, and then listen to  Yuliana’s constant taunts every time i ran by her. after my run i thought i’d have some peace while doing my exercises but as soon as Edwin saw me sit on the floor and start to do some crunches he ran over and threw himself on me. he must have thought i wanted to play a game because he clung to me laughing uncontrollably as i tried to get up and pry him off. once Edwin had lost interest i was finally able to get through some exercises without any interruptions. then, on my last set of leg lifts, i spotted Jorge running towards me out of the corner of my eye. he also threw himself on me but got off as soon as he noticed that i didn’t stop my exercises. then he just sat and watched while cuddling his stuffed bunny wrapped in his sweater (Bunny was cold). as soon as i had completed my my last leg lift he began to ask me what i was doing, but before he could get passed “Tia, que…” he farted. this sent us both into hysterical laughter. needless to say, this was the least successful of any of my workouts, but definitely the most entertaining. 

below are pictures of Fernando and Samir, Jorgecito, Yuliana and I, and the infamous Edwin.